May we have PEACE on earth

Every life has its value!  Joy to the world,
  May we have  peace on earth. 

There is hope ! There is hope..

We humans must have in our heart Joy of the world that we live in.
We have times of darkened days, and cheerful days, our
Happiness comes from choosing to help our fellow humans.
Glory to those who believes in the highest form of peace on earth,
Among men. let us pull together and pray for peace.
Let our hearts fell with love and compassion, and let-it flow
From one heart to another, that will be my prayer gift, to the world.
For 2013... life is a precious gift to all.
Let us have faith,  and make our self necessary to someone in need


May we have peace on Earth

Dec 31 2012

YB.

Thank you Sid Pelston for an amezing wish to the World

A Ross from my garden to thank you!

Another Year of Memories We Take into 2013 

2012 meant countless, different things to each of us, 

hopefully some joys and not great sorrow.

But whatever sadness and challenge the year brought,

let fate bring you an abundance of hope and joy tomorrow.
 

Did we learn anything new in the year soon to be in our past?

One thing is cherish what we hold dear to help make it last. 

My wish for my friends, my family and those I barely know

Is to think positive and make the best of whatever direction we go.  

I believe we are blessed with our own uniqueness, and have great value.

 

We can make tomorrow better than all of our yesterdays.

In these troubled times for so many, we can offer our support,
Lend a helping hand,

be kind and know that people, whoever they are, matter.

I wish for you that your efforts, whatever they may be, are fruitful.


May some of what you seek become reality. may you and
Those you love have a future, of great fulfilment and sense

Of purpose..  Wishing you a truly rewarding 2013….

20 littel Angels and 6 gardian Angels

You are our  light
 That is  cutting
In   the  dark



This time,  when the world is in need of peace
Even God needs help sometimes.
So he called  up on his favorite children for help.
 He choose twenty little  Angels to be the sweet  feeling
 Behind the world, the light that will Gide us.

The strength behind all things, the compassion and love
For the infinite,  he choose  twenty Little ones and six
Teachers who are their guardian Angels.
 The ones who educated them, taught  them,
 Loved  them , took care of them at  school.

There Teachers,  there guardian's, there second parents.
With that  in my heart,  I  believe that  your most
Precious treasure,  your Little Baby's are not gone!
They are in all of our hearts. they are our  class of  Angels
Together with their  guardians.  we can see them , feel them,
And hear them. they will be the Angels within all of us.

For ever in our hearts and spirits!
They will be the   bridge to haven for humanity.
The class of Angels we lost physically, are with us in spirit.
They are helping God in his hard work to Gide us,
To put in our hearts and spirits the pure joy Angels feel.

Most heavenly thoughts, most serenity , and peace.
I cry with you,  I feel for you...
The parents, the family's, the school.
Newton..  thanks for giving humanity
A class of Angels and their guardian Angels to show
Us the path to good and no evil.  God chose them

 To Roam  in the havens as his class of Angels with there guardian Angels.
 To  spread good, compassion,  love, and peace in  our world.
But most of all to heal the world for all humankind
To the family's,  the  Parents,  the  friends of the class of Angels,
To sandy Hook School in Newton Connecticut, ,  our hearts are with
All of you..

Just a Canadian Mom

On  21 Dec 2012

YB



Friend, Angel

Dearest  Angel

I want to meet you Mr Angel.
I want my face to light up from your light.

I want my life to Heal Mr Angel.
When are you going to show up,
To introduce your self in my world,
you will be the only one,  whom
I may be sincere with, and share with you.

My feelings,  of shame , heart brake, and pain.
How I was  rejected by my Baby's,
Ya the ones I carried in my body, and give life to.
The heart eke that gos with-it is unbearable.
I am to a point of braking, help me dear Angel .

Friend Angel,  help me   understand,
How an evil man  their father can clam, to love them,
 But that is the only way, he knows how to love..
By hearting. mentally, physically,  emotionally, what a sick mind!
I want you to know every thing that I feel in my heart.

The pain, agony, shame, loneliness, anger, it is
Over whelming it drowns my spirit.
Dear Angel friend, I need you! help me  see the light,
The good, the  love, the  compassion, and  forgiveness
For all.   my baby's,  my X,  in my world, no evil.
I maid a mistake falling in love with  a monster, an evil man.

Please Angel knowing all of that can you steel  love me?
Can you  steel like me? for I feel unlikeable!
Who would like A women that even her children don't love her.
Perhaps you my friend Angel, could love me,  and like me.
I  thank you for being my friend, my guardian, and my voice.
You are the Angel within my heart...


Y.B
Dec 16 2012

sing a song

the dance and music of life

Sing A song, to the wisdom of  my heart strings.
For that  wisdom , inside  my heart is whispering.
weak up!  this is the morning, of your life. the power
Is yours the sun  is shining bright in your world.


pluck at those  strings,   with the help of God.
A  harp, and violin tunes,   Dance!  the dance of  life.
Sing  songs  of  glory,  and pride , for  you are special.
You turned out to be! a survivor,  you are the best..
choose of who you  want around your World.d

Walk with them hand in hand.
Desire all which is in you.  desire all which is
Beyond every thing you dreamed  about.
Desire all that you thought you will never
Be able to achieve. for all  of it is  in you.

All the light  of the world is in your heart strings.
keep praying,  and Desiring,   perhaps your  karma
will walk you to the path... of  your  baby's  heart. and
That may bring him  and his children to your life.
It is the unbelievable dream.. it is in you.
In  your heart string.

YB

14 DEC 2012

Those who are hurt

The key to life love

Those who are hurt the most, 
Are the ones who care a lot.
For they are very sensitive,
I am thankful for the happy days,
That my faith,  and my  hopes,  allowed
Me to believe, that love will soften,
The heart of my child.
The courage  to dream,  the unbelievable dream.


And the faith, and hope, to appreciate
The miracle of Hanukah .
with my Sh and grand children
In my home.
That is a miracle of a sunrise ,
After waiting so long in the dark.
Life is a mystery!

Dec 2012 YB

Ardi Imseis Human rights Lawyer with no humanity in his heart!

Light up your heart! 

With no human rights,  for his mother,  and his children.



My son my Baby, for Each day passing by that I am not permitted

To see you, or my grand children.  slowly shapes my life.

As dripping water  shapes the mountain rocks .

baby!  as A human right lawyer, I am asking for your professional opinion.

What would you advice a mother, like me to do?

What would you advice children,  like your children, to do?



As a professional, how is it that you can not see the crime, that you are Committing

Preventing your children from having a grand mother. because she  is

JEWISH...and proud to be!

I like to meet your professors, at Colombia university. who taught you.

What would be their advice to you? ...you can't teach some thing that

You don't practise your self...baby! you are wasting your abilities

To bring peace to your heart, make your life an art of love, let your

Baby's have there birth right, a grand mother. who wants to love them.

So the human right Lawyer! when are you going to practise what you are

 Preaching? I am asking you for help what would you advise me to do?

Be kind , and know that I am your Mother! that loves you.

who would love to meet my grandchildren that I love......

YB

Dec;10 2012

For my voice can speak now

For my voice can speak now!

The rules are written for a mother.!

Love your child, attend to him for life.

No matter what. I am not welcome to my

 Child's life, I am Jewish he is an Arab.....

You never expect that he will betray you,

That 2 pounds Baby that had to stay in the

Hospital 3 month after birth that Baby.

That you lived for days  and Ninth.  never left

His side held his tiny hands, rubbed his tiny body,

cradled him  in your arms inside the incubator.

I milked my Brest to feed him mothers milk.

that was my child the boy!  I loved more than life.

The boy! that  his Father didn't want me to have

 Wanted  nothing to do with us! wanted me to abort!

He didn't care about us or wanted to be part of our life's.

To  him we were just  the  durthy  Jews!

My Élan the premature baby I give birth too

He wounded and broke my heart and my soul .

 Took  all the Joy out of my life!

I curse his Father for tempering, with

the love between, a mother! and her son.

He taught  he is above God. he is the one.

Making the rules. he will reward himself,

By punishing me by Alienating my children

Took there birth right to have a MOTHER!  .

Michel Imseis  there is neither reward ,

Nor punishment,  in  this world for you.

your Karma! will follow you for eternity.

And I will love my boy for life....

That is what  Jewish Mothers do..

Y.B

DECEMBER 6 2012

Our rose is in Heaven


ROSE my friend your heart was so full
of goodness. your soul so pure, and your
Eyes, so bright, they will light every ones path.
your spirit will forever soak in heaven's rays.

She did more than
 listen she understood!

My friendship with you for ever will be  calibrated.
Having you As my friend,  was for me like
Walking  in a  clear day morning .
Thank God For the gift he gave me ! a Rose,
 Full of grace, and peace, charm, generosity, and love

And now I will walk with you in my heart.

The first time  you meat  me,  you new that
I was in need of a friend , you Handed me
Your hand.   and you invited me to your world.
Sweet lady; dearest of all Roses I thank you.

For ever friend,   you will be my Rose. in the
Garden of my heart. and soul my angel Rose..


Even now that you are busking in the  lights.
Of The heavens with all the angels around you.
If you happen to meet my Mama!
Tell her I love her, up  above the rainbow.
I will be looking for both of you....

For ever you will be tucked in my heart
For ever you will be in my memory's

Rose life  is a song  love is the music
And you my dear friend Had P.H.D
In both....

Dec; 2 2012
YB

You know who you are

You know what you did , to your mom
You attacked  me like a vice's tiger
All night long  had  night  Mair's
 with vice's tigers biting me...
The pain was unbearable

vice's tigers

The 13 of October 2012 will for ever be
 Engraved  in my mind my heart and soul
 Reminded me of the 12 of October 1997
 At your wedding when you took the pearls
That I give you as a wedding present and you
Let your  girl friend put them around your neck
Rather than give your mother the Honor..

you accused me of cheating on your father
You reminded me of him the Sam abuse he
 Was putting me through, every day of  life
That I  spend  with him,  was pure hell
you are not wordy to have a mother like me.
 My wish for you to feel the pain you endured on me

 you were mysteriously a stranger who wanted
 to shred my heart and watched it  bleed
I should have gone after a wide world full
Of  beautiful people
Rather than dream of a day that my child, 
Will give me the respect and love that
 A mother should get, but no she watched her father
That was her model.....the respect will never come
My life past by and I am steel waiting......

YB
March 2012

If I could start over, would I have children again? No!

I wish I could Ignore loss.
Then the memory of what I have lost
cannot be retrieved...

Everyday from 1979 to 2012 the years that I left my ex.  
One question is always on my mind, If I had to do it all over.  Would I do it? Would I have children? No!

That is a very hard thing for me to admit too, But that is my honest answer. for all the investment that  I put in to having
 Them, the emotional, and physical abuses I went through with their father and them. I was used as a breeding vessel, a cleaning lady, a chauffeur and bread winner who never got respect from them nor their father nor his family...

My children had an evil teacher, their father, This is my true confession.
I had no reason to continue a miserable marriage, except for my children.
But the time has arrived that I could do it no more. My soul was broken...

I am allowing the world to eavesdrop intensely
On a conversation between me and my heart.
At  that point I knew if I had to do it all over again, I will not do it.
I wouldn't have children! The only child I will have would be me.
Perhaps I would have taken care of me, love me, respect me,
And believed in my heart that I deserved every moment of it.

July 7 2012

Y.B

My dearest heart Regrets!

Ardi A Lesson in History for you and your United Nation!

To my son the  Human right lawyer Who do's everything in his power 

To Deming all about me and my people the JEWISH people

For the Palestinian's. hear is a lesson in HISTORY!

My children Shunt me! 

I never felt old until regrets took the place of dreams in my life.

Looking back I regret all the years from when  13 to 34 years of age.

If I could erase them I would. I dreamed  of a home, a family,

children, love, compassion, tenderness, loyalty!

 Instead I got abuses, Name calling, disrespect, let down,

 Betrayal, hatred, absence of loyalty and  so many year,

 Hard to forget so many years of humiliation, shame and pain...

And all of that for being Jewish and an ISRAELI! my Antisemitic children  

1. A human right lawyer!who never give me a chance to meet my grand-kid's  

2. A teacher daughter wonder what kind of values she can teach?

 3. A computer programmer who logs on my blog and try to block 

All of what I wright . obviously they are ashamed of what they did!   

In my youth I made a mistake marrying an Arab! 

who made my life A living hell!   and now as I  aged  I understood 

I should  have left, him the first week! but I didn't know how I had no courage.

I am grieving for the days, the minutes, the precious moments,

I spent trying to nurture, to love, to take care of my family.

That I was committed to, But they were not to me...

REGRETS! that is all I feel in my HEART!

I thank the Academia who helped in the BRAIN WASHING!

July 5 2012

Y.B

Physical Pain

A prayer for heeling.

God ! heal me

It is difficult to see things clearly, when you are in so much physical pain. It blocks the light entering your eyes, It blocks the joy entering your soul.

To get the full value of joy. you must forget that we have so many tears in the heart,  that never reached the eyes. With physical pain, you pray for a relief. You cry, you shed sparkling tears. You place your palms over your heart! and you try to see the unseen, imagine a rainbow in my heart.

God give me strength. I never asked for an easy life, but now I am praying for strength, to stand tall. In this life...

July 3 2012

Y.B

Yesterday I drowned

Yesterday I drowned

I could admit to myself that I am very sorry having linked my life to an evil men like my ex...Michael imseis.

A brutal husband, an evil father who polluted my children's souls, and sadly it is hurting my grandchildren. who were deprived of
having a relationship with me for most of their life. Now they don't know what to do with me...

Yesterday I realized the venom he nurtured my child with. My baby girl is out in the path of distraction of her soul with hatred. I don't know what I was thinking. I feel broken, melted, shattered.
 She made me feel if I was nothing  Nonexistent... she made it clear to me...

Yesterday I drowned... Yesterday my hopes, and dreams, vanished .
Yesterday my  heart died..

25 June 2012

Y.B

Steven M Schindler held most dear to my soul.

In the light of my friend I find second self

 

Dear  Steven

The news that you're sick is heavy on my heart. I just wanted you to know that the days, the hours, the minutes I spent with you,
I look upon them as a sort of perfumed garden, a fountain of magic waters.

You and you alone made me feel as if I had an angel looking over me. You were very  good to me. And yet at the same time you pained my heart very deeply.

In one hand you cherished me with that dignified tenderness which I only find in you... and yet pained me at the same time... I forgive you; I chose to see you as my angel who came to the gate of my paradise. you were there for me and so you give me the courage to keep standing alone.

I think that I was born to walk alone. The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself or more correctly being loved in spite of yourself. You didn't love me that way.

And I for always will be sad that you didn't.

I hope that you are happy. I want and wish you health. If your world seems cold to you these days, please remember there is a girl in Toronto who forever has a heart full of compassion for you, angel...  I could warm up your world; I am your friend for life.

Hear is my commandment to you my friend... Love yourself, take care of yourself, let me know if I could do something for you. I hope that you can hear me with your ears, but listen to me with your eyes: you will win!!!

You are a winner...

Get well, be well, feel well, I wish I could see you and help...

June 10  2012
Y.B

Let myself down

I can't be hold my self to all the work



The bond that links family is not only one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others' lives, which was deprived of me. How can I fix it by myself? For where my heart is that is my responsibility. But where others' hearts are, is there responsibility? 

I cannot behold myself to do all the work to manage this relationship.

Before you can open the door to your heart which no one has an interest to walk through it.

Little girl, I didn't want to let you down. I am sorry. My highest purpose was as a human mother.
I wanted to justify the gift of life of all our lives. I thought we could continue the process of remaking
our relationship, but dear ones I can't do it by myself. Please be kind on my heart for it has been
fighting a battle for a long time. let us not love only in words or in talk. Let us put our words in action and make it real, encourage one another and build up one another...

You got to know that children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression. Try to show your children the paths to love. It is never too late...

 6 April 2012

YB

I wish



Angel D.. thanks for lighting up my life!

It has been a very difficult day. I am at a cross road. It feels as if it is the end of the road. Are all the doors closed? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? This world is not for a broken mother like me. I am so tired and lonely.

I went to visit Shoshana at the hospital today. Talia was there looking at her mother with so much love and care I was jealous. It made me so sad looking at her. I felt sorry for myself. I wondered what would happen if I ever need help. Would I have anyone around me?

As if I heard my ex's vioce when he used to tell me: "You were born lonely and I am going to make sure that you will die lonely." Why would anyone be so evil?

I believe in miracles as I was putting this post up. My son in law called me and told me that they are coming to visit with me this evening. A miracle comes my way after 10 years of never seeing them....Thanks angel D....

Post went up March 11 2012.

Feb 23 1993

YB
 

Parental Alienation... Brainwashing my children Ardi Imseis Shirel pegios, and Elan imseis by my ex...



As my life blooms so as my spirit 

That is how my ex... an Arab got back at me his Jewish wife for leaving him after twenty two years of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual abuses. Parental alienation is bad enough with out having the Arab and Jewish conflicts in the middle.

The systematic brainwashing, the poisoning and manipulation of my three children with the sole purpose of destroying my loving relationship that I shared with them. It doesn't always happen to man. In my case, I am the mother and my ex... did it to me. He started the alienation when we were still living together, abusing me in front of the children, calling me names, antisemitic remarks putting me down to below zero...

I never had a name...  it was dirty Jew... He and his family... His mother actually came to visit him from Israel and she told him no way she was staying with a dirty Jew in the house. He came up with the idea for me and the children to leave the house. He would rent me an apartment and when she went back home I could return to the house. That was the second time we separated. He left, went to his brother with the mother for 8 months. He did not support us. My friends did a collection and supported us food, mortgage and all other expenses. He was arrested and put in jail over night after 8 months that they were trying to serve him. The day I took him back, he was arrested.

I had no choice... I was trapped. This is my personal journey. The last time that we separated, judgment was that we would have to rent our apartments. I would have my own place, my ex would have his. And the children would stay in the house. There was no way that was possible: I had no job, lost my business,  had no money for two residents and the house.

My oldest son Elan told me if I did not leave, he would not come to the house. It was snowing and cold late evening. I had to call his father to come home and I left with understanding that once I had a place, the two little ones, Shirel and  would come back to live with me. My ex changed his mind and he started the nightmare: the brainwash. He poisoned their mind against Jews and the Western world. My son A was taken to Israel when he was underage, and was converted into Christianity without me knowing it. I found out 4 years later.


He ended up in East Jerusalem and later in Gaza for many years. He did every thing possible to alienate me from them. They shunned me totally and that is how I lost 3 children that he never wanted to have. They where all I had, and  they were my life...

Now I am living without the most important part of my life, with a broken heart,  a broken soul, and a broken spirit.

March 9 2012

YB

God walks me through

My spirit garden

 



Walk this path with me. Climb up this mountain. Lead me to the top of my dreams. Help me navigate this voyage called life. Let me not do it alone for it will be lonely. So Angel within my heart whispers a sweet  melody into my soul and spirit.

Show me the way to the garden of my soul where the air is clear, where the tender spring flowers will bloom, where the sun will rise and the moon will shine brightly.

And I with the Angel girl within my heart who still always believe in miracles, she is forever seeing light shining right in the centre of the darkness. The purity of her heart can hear and see the Angel within lighting her path...

March 6 2012

YB                                                    

This morning

Light for the soul

To wake up this morning realizing a new day is here, a new gift to the soul, the heart, air to breath. Things do not change, we do.  Wonder if I did? All I want is to be able to inhale the morning breeze, find happiness in the miracle of morning glory, love all that is around me, fly upon the wings of forgiveness, commit myself to life of peace and harmony.....

This will be my gift for me this morning, a prayer... It takes a whole life to master the art of living. Wonder how long do I have? Every grief will soften and heal with time. I inhale the glory of this morning, for it is mine.

I will absorb the beauty, the sunlight. I will daydream. May the light of hopes shine and illuminate the hearts of beloved ones. Keep climbing the mountain and forever remember that those who are hurt the most are the ones who care a lot...

I care a lot... For this morning, let go of the yesterday. Don't think of the challenges of tomorrow and live your life today...

March 5 2012

YB

My Baby Boy - love you for always

My baby boy I am lonely for you

my baby boy; I feel sorry for you. How can you hate who you are and what you are?  A brainwashed child that was
taught to hate himself by the person who was supposed to love you.  He should have taught you to be proud of all that you are, including your roots. baby, my love, you may be able to hide it but in your heart you know that you hate half of yourself.

Your father knew that when he inspired you to hate anything Jewish or anything to do with Jews, he was putting poison in your heart. Is that love?  No!!

It is not in the Jewish, or Christian. or Muslim religions wherever good humans are. You are brainwashed
with an ideology, filthy with poison, of hatred, and bigotry. You were used as a bullet against your own mother, your own roots, and your own self. You are a man with no pride, no real love. You are teaching
International Laws. Perhaps it will be more appropriate for you to teach international hatred, and antisemitism. What a pity!

You are  actually walking at the university classrooms full of students to teach law and human rights. How could you, knowing that you are depriving your own children from exercising their own birth right and human rights to have their grand mother in their lives... Would the love of a Jewish grandmother be any different from the love of a Christian or a Muslim grandmother? I would love to know.

You are living a life of a liar. You are being a bigot full of hatred. That is my darling. What some Arabs do teach their children to hate anything and everything Jewish or Western... You are dishonest with your  children, your students and most important of all, to yourself, your heart and soul if you still have one.

I will  pray for you every day that some day you will see the light of love and compassion and will embrace them in your heart and soul. You broke my heart. and left me in pain that some times it feels as if it could never heal. I know it will heal one of these days. I know that we are the memories we keep in our hearts. I am trying very hard to let those memories go... I pray that my heart will never lose its sparkling shine.

Your Jewish mother and proud of it!

March 2, 2012

YB

A sad memory




Your brightened my path. Thank you, Mom.

Mama Hana resting place



For ever in my heart



 This is the time of my mother's Passing Anniversary. She passed away the 4th of April 1950 -- 62 years ago.                                                                                                                                                                                

At the Passover Jewish holiday, this is the place she was put to rest. I never witnessed her resting place until I was 33 years old. I went with the big fat man, Richard Harlow who said in a slow quiet voice, "I will go with you to Marrakesh. I will give you my love and support that you need."



He did not realize how much I needed to know that I will be supported by him. I will owe him my thanks for life. I couldn't have shared that with my X.... He was too evil to share such a holy journey with.

How wonderful it was to do it at a time in my life that I was in a secure place and felt comfort. The big fat man Richard, he was with me all the way. He stood by me. Instead of facing it alone, he was with me all the way. And for that I will forever have a special prayer for him.

I thanked him with tears raining down my face. Walking in the old Jewish cemetery was like walking on the face of the moon and very mystical. For that I thank him... This is the place...

Oct 1984

YB

My inner child

Keep your voice  heard

Little girl, when I look into your eyes, I somehow see you  as you  have  never been  seen before.

You look as if dear life depends on me listening to you  and hearing your voice. I am all ears for you, child. Lean on me. I hear you. I see trough the windows of your soul. Your eyes....they have a story to tell. It is your story. Your voice have a song to sing. It is your song.

Tell me your story! Sing me your song! When your heart is ready, take my hand. I will climb motherhood, sisterhood, paths with you in my heart. Embrace. I will step from

inhibition, caring for you little girl, to put you on a cloud of happiness, tenderness, and serenity...

Splashing with you in a warm fulfilment, alive by your side. I will stand true, ready to dance in the cold and warm river of life.

Let's dance child. Let's dream of a kinder spirit around us. Dreams are free. We may dream the impossible wishes. They may never come true but following our dreams may lead us to ourselves.

I will take care of you. No one will ever tell you to keep your voice silent... No one, for self-disclosing oneself is a gift...



Oct 17, 1994

YB

Sunflower

Transformation Dream...

I saved my life thank God.....

I had a dream, a profound dream. I stood in middle of a lake. The water was very rough and I am not a very good swimmer. Far away was my X... with my sons swimming. Close to me there was a body of a little girl drowning.

I was yelling for help toward my X... and sons. They looked at me and started laughing. I needed help to save that little girl. I am not a swimmer but I was not going to let her drown. I jumped, held on to her body and started holding her in my arms and pushing toward the shore. I finally got her to the sand. Her body was totally blue.

I started CPR. I tried so hard to revive her and surely the skin colour started coming back. The blue turned to the most beautiful healthy pink. And slowly her little face turned into a sunflower, the most beautiful
sunflower ever bloomed in my dream. I knew that I just saved myself.

Me. My life. My future.

From that day sunflowers are my flowers!!

May 2001                                                                 

YB

I miss being your mom and grandma

I miss being your Mom

I miss being your mom. I miss hearing your voices. I miss having someone to care for, to love, to have
family gathering, to sit in the garden. I miss taking you for holidays. I never went anywhere without you.

I miss the friendship we had, the openness, the understanding. I miss being a Nana, a grandma, a Savta... I am so heart-broken... How on earth could you have turned on me like that? I keep thinking about you guys and I keep slipping to the bottom.

I am so alone.... Sometimes I think it might not matter any more. And sometimes I want to scream: Come to me my babies, I need you. In my life, so much is left out of my life without you in it. My days are no longer about getting up and going and doing good things. No, they are now a collection of little pieces of sometimes positive emotions, sometime painful emotions and sometimes in between.

Among the fragments there are you my children and grandchildren. I miss you and love you....

Oct 12, 2006



YB

My Inner child Is speaking TO ALL OF YOU



My Mom and me 

This big loss in my life... it is so hard to deal with it. This morning my inner child is very sad, angry, very sensitive, and she has a very heavy heart. She feels pain, a lot of pain, helpless, and hopeless. Perhaps she is not ready to let go and forgive the people who abused: her my  X...,  my children. Maybe I am pushing too hard and too fast of my inner child.


All I feel this morning is the heart of a sad child, helpless and hopeless little girl and her pain of the loss she endured. Sometime I have to remind her that we are adults now.

I can never put her away. I promised her that I will take care of her for as long as I am around... I want to honour her feelings. I want to comfort her and it is OK if she needs more time to forgive anyone... I am  sure that the right time will come for her to be able to forgive. Maybe not today. I will pray, please God, help me find the fountain of forgiveness in my heart... I want to forgive someone today!

Feb 25 2012

Y.B



                                             

Forgiving a monster my X...

May they be peace on earth

Sifting through the ashes of my heart, I am trying very hard to find forgiveness for you. It is difficult. It would have been so much easier if you would have been honest from the beginning that you were an Arab. I probably would have stayed away. But you lied about who you are and who you were as long as you get your prise.

When we were interviewed by the Jewish Canadian news you were asked that question, your answer was "if I would have told her the truth about me being an Arab, she would not have gone out with me. Was that OK with you to destroy the life of a fourteen years old girl, a child?

For all the abuse that I have endured from you and your family physically, emotionally, spiritually; it just proved to me that I must get myself out of that situation. It also proved that you didn't care about your children too. Because if you did you would not deprived them from having a mom even if she is Jewish. You broke the Canadian law when you took my baby to Israel. He was underage and without my permission, took him to a church and converted him to Christianity.

I found out about it four years later. What kind of an animal are you? How do you take children out of the reach of their mom's love. Only an Arab full of hatred for Jews and humans -- an evil man like you, one who has no respect for women can do such an evil thing like that. I tried so many time to reach to your heart so I would be able to have a relationship with my children but you hated Jews more than you loved your children and you have no heart.

So I am going to be a better person than you will ever be and go deep in the walls of my heart and search for the
Fountain of Forgiveness and send forgiveness your way!

It may take time to reach the point of total forgiveness, perhaps that will be help to  me in my healing, I will do it for me and for my children and grandchildren whom I love very much.....

A Jew and proud to be one!!!!
September 1997

YB

My babies: You are the only ones

You are the only ones I will ever have. I never wanted you to wonder or worry if I will ever have other children, never wanted you to worry about my love.

For you. I wanted you to feel secure, and safe, no other child will ever take your space in my heart...

In my heart there was room only for you. And it always will be yours and your children's space for my life time. My grandchildren I love you... I hope that one of these days we will meet again.
   

With god's help I will forgive someone today...

I will never stop trying to forgive!



My babys you are the only ones

May 21 2003                                  

YB

A note from a classmate

A symbol of new  life

I do not know how to spell your name but I do know who you are! You are a beautiful rose who's slowly opening up during the Landmark experience for someone I just met. May I share with you my admiration and love for you? You have so much goodness in you as a wonderful human being.

I am sending you this wee teddy as a symbol of my respect for you. I hope you find a special spot in your home for it. After this hard work of healing I know you will have a special place in your heart for a lot of new beginnings. Your children are lucky to have you for a Mom...
You are so lovable.....

With much love
Mary Cunningham

P.S on the front of this card is a butterfly it is a" symbol of new  life"

Feb 16 1997

A letter to my children Elan imseis, S ,and my baby wounded heart

Healing the soul

I am losing hope that I will ever hear from my children. Has the time of communication come to an end? This letter to my children hopefully will provide me with some comfort to be able to tell about your mother's broken heart and the painful situation that all of you have brought up on me for no reason.

What kind of children will shun there mother because she is Jewish and she divorced an abusing man who is your father? Only ones who were brainwashed, selfish and poisoned. Since your birth I felt joy in my heart. You were the only bright light in my life.

I wish I could say that your father felt the same way! I know that if you ever read this, it is going to be painful. But it is about time. I will be totally open about the torture he put me through. Before having you guys I was 14 years old, pregnant. He drugged me to have an abortion three times within 2 years when Élan was on the way he pushed me down a flight of stairs.

Élan was born premature. It is a miracle and a lot of care by me that he made it. When Shi was born he would not take me to the hospital. It was a friend of his who did. When he found out that I was expecting again at the doctor's office he told me to have an abortion. We had a fight at the doctor's office: I would not have an abortion ... my baby  was born.

The first visit to the doctor I remember the doctor looking at me when he was examining my baby, and he asked me if I am thinking the same as he was. I knew exactly what he meant. The tragedy here was that I had to fight him for every one of your lives and I ended up with none of you in my life. Frankly he used you as a weapon against me for his own satisfaction. Finally the dog he had on a leash for 22 years had freed herself. I was not his property anymore and I was in the process of building a life. And you my beloved fools fell to his trap and his sick way of his life...

I hope that you will continue to feel my presence every single minute no matter how much you and he will try not to, because my love for you is too strong, my bond to you is the positive in your life. The first years were the most important years that gave you the foundation and that became the base of who you have become... the brainwash that came afterwards was the poison he planted in you against anyone who is not an Arab......

With this letter I hope to remind you of who you are. Please hear my voice inside your heart telling you I love you. I want to be part of your life and my grand children's life. I only exist because of my love for you and the hope that one day we will see each other, if not in this world then perhaps in another world....

My sweet children it is your life to live however you choose to, with all the luggage that comes with your choices.... I leave you with this shared memory when you were a tiny egg that hatched and marvelled at the miracle of life and it all happened in my body. It didn't seem possible that such a helpless naked creature could survive at all ... Days , months and years passed and you observed me your mother taking care of you, loving you, attending to your needs days and nights, not even once did your father woke up at night to care for you or did anything to make my life easier. All that mattered to me were my children, their welfare, and providing for you the best I could as much as I can and gave you everything I didn't have......

With all the abuse I had endured by your father and  his family, I stuck it out until I could no longer....If I would have stayed with him I would have been dead by now. When the doctor told me either you leave your husband or find another doctor, I realised that was the time that I had to make change to my life. For that I had to be punished by him and you? Why? How can you doubt yourself that you had done me no wrong ....

Of all the animals in the universe, humans are the most amazing and intelligent. I am sorry to tell you: you are not the norm; you were brainwashed....

You are filled with hatred and resentment, bigotry; you will never be able to nurture the lives that were entrusted to you..... You will pass on to them the same poison that your father passed on to you - hatred, bigotry, fear, guilt, resentment and a chaotic life that is what your father left you with ... I want you to know that every time you sliced my heart and bled me I went to bed in a foetus position feeling the pain to the core of my being. It was as if a sharp knife cut my heart to pieces. you deprived me of motherhood, and stole from me the only family I will ever have. I have given you so many chances to come back, 32 years I waited for you it was so easy for you  to drop me as if I was trash. You chose to ignore me. Different people will enter your world and each will be in need of something that only you can provide them with and I am sure that you will do so because that is the way I  taught you but with your mother you never been sensitive. to my needs, my love for you, my missing you.

You have never been willing to share all that you are with me or even just a little bit you give me zero % of your time or your life . Did you know that you are destined to impact many lives in this world. How would you feel knowing that you deprived your mom and your children their birth right? Your life will be filled with people whom will call out on you for reassurance and gentle touch. You will hear their cries, you will never be able to touch and feel the pain of their hearts. Listen and soothe the wounds of their souls. Feel the emptiness in them, just as I have done for you over the years, as your mother - I'm afraid you would not know how. Imagine the power in your wings and warmth in your heart, if you would've had embraced me when I needed you as your mother. I hope that your relationship with your children will be a lot more loving than what you had with me. The important things to remember right now is the intention - no matter how you put it as a mother feeling left out from my children and grandchildren life, my children's weddings, birthdays, holidays, the day my grandchildren were born.

Everybody who hears this story reacts to your actions in disgust. The only thing that really matters is your true purpose - to hurt me. Perhaps one day you will realise the hurt that you caused me, perhaps not. Meanwhile, I must let go of this pain. I cannot be responsible for how you choose to react regarding me leaving your father, because he installed hatred in your hearts. I hope to comfort myself with this letter, you need to know that I see the whole truth. I will never respect anything less than I expect to be respected

My advice for you all is to be in peace with yourselves. You need to confront your issues and stop denying your problems. Your problems are not solved by pushing them away, underneath your carpet, they will be solved by bringing peace and warmth into your heart. I apologise to you for writing this letter because you are getting a whole lot of new information that may cause you pain. This is not what I mean to do, but I just need my voice to be heard and my story to be shared. I want you to know the truth, as painful as it is.

Healing the spirit

YB, Sept 1998

Tucked In my heart

 

Love you for life Mom

My children, you are tucked away so nicely in a special corner of my heart and mind. And when I find myself thinking of you, or when I needed to think about you in order to help me through my painful days, I merely had to bring you forth to that special corner of my heart and mind to revive those special memories with you and to savour and remember feelings of love, joy of being your mother, your keeper.

And then you were turned against me. I could not see you again. You pushed me away as if

I didn't exist. I could not understand children who have a mother that loves them to death and they don't want her and her love. Her only crime? She is Jewish. And their father had to punish me for finallly freeing myself from the hell he had me live in every single day with him.

My mother was taken away from me by the Lord.... I just can't understand! How can a child take the side of an abusing father against his mother... Secretly I cried inside every time I thought of you. And I cried in sadness knowing that I must tuck you again in that special corner of my heart and mind, that I must put away those feelings of my love for my children and grandchildren forever hopeful of someday having the luxury of seeing you...

For now I must tuck you away again in that special corner of my mind that I have reserved just for you... maby with  GODS will I will never think of you again....


With love to all of you.

Mom,and Nana to my grandchildren.

"We are not Arab and Jews! we are family. And  I am your mother and grandmother."
               

Apr 2 2001

YB

Micheal MY X...Elan and my baby boy. no more Abuse

 The bridge to victory



There is a point when emotion begins to break up the mind, the spirit, and soul. There are certain things that can be said, shattering the reason for my existence, withstanding how I feel. It is approaching to the end. It feels in my heart... no more beating, name calling, degrading. putting you down to zero and below...

At one point he told me if he had the power he would put all orphans in a line-up and shoot all of us. According to my X...Michael Imseis, we orphans are not worthy of loving or be loved because we  can't love .....and we can't be loved.... It is coming to an end his time has run out with me.

I am trying to collect my thoughts to begin to rebuild a new reason for living. I must find my path again in order to move forward. I have been standing in the rain, the snow bare feet. He will lock me out the house far too long, toyed with, played with, manipulated...

It is time to don my survivor coat and go for a long walk. Alone. Alone, soaking the warmth of this cosy feeling, no more beatings.

Yolland, just remember when the next storm knocks on the window of your heart again, do not open the door again. That door is locked for good to anyone ... never allow yourself to be abused again...

Dec 27 1979

YB



Let my voice be heard





May we have peace on earth

As I look into the mirror, I see reflection of me. What else, of course, but me? It's more than just the face. In fact the voice that was silenced for the last 32 years is there, underneath now itching to surface, asking to be let out and let my voice be heard, validate myself and my feelings. I always hoped for a better ending. I didn't want to shut the door. I left an opening, hoping that my children will end up coming back to my life.


 I pushed all the pain, the tiredness, the calm of new hope - a certain serenity of knowing that my babies will come back and will want to be part of my life. But I was wrong! So many years passed by, and things are not getting better. The sadness of the passage of time, so many years of quietly putting up with the emotional abuse that I endured in order to do what is good for them, but it is not good for me. 

 

I neglected me I silenced  my voice, and all the while thinking, intellectualising, that if it is good for my children, it surely must be good for me. No, it is not good for me. I must let my voice be heard, venture faith, be me, be real, ask, demand with new found strength to push the shame away. Let my story out. Let my children finally realise that their secret is out there: you are Jewish with a Jewish mother...

A mother that finally let her voice be heard and her story be told.....and you A  you can't hide from the reality of your life. It will catch up with you.

Start with your mother's and your children's human rights...

A Jew and proud to be

Mom....

Feb 15 2012

YB

                                   





my baby Boy warm up your heart

A. warm up ur heart

Knowledge can be captured by the mind. Love for your mother must be apprehended, and instilled into the soul and the heart...

 

Whatever happened to my children's souls? They were the water of my life, the light to my surviving, the winter of life.

 

They crushed my soul and spirit and broke my heart. Being their mother was my pride and joy.  to my baby if you wish to be understood; be understanding of others.

 

Your words sliced my heart when you give one who has so little love. Love will come your way... where is my baby's soul placed, in your earthly dry heart which your father poisoned.

 

Baby! I am aching for you. I am the woman who gave you life. I had so many heavenly thoughts for you. I carried them in my heart but evil was planted in your heart and soul. I am your Jewish mother and you are my son.



With my blood running life in your heart; stop running from the facts of life. Be respectful of who you are and the world will respect you. There is always a power larger than the power of the evil that your father has instilled in you. He polluted your heart and soul with hatred and bigotry.  I am Jewish; I am also your Mom, and forever the only mother you will ever have.

 

All I am wishing for is to rekindle the love with my children. But,  if you don't feel love in your heart for your mom, how can that love exist? My heart at the moment is in a place where the sun stopped shining when you turned your back on me. I am hoping for a miracle coming my way

 

Please, Baby, do not forget that you deprived me of being your mother and grandmother to your children. You didn't give them the chance to get to know their grandmother. And you, darling (the human right lawyer,) deprived them of their birth right of having the love of a grandmother. Love, even if she is Jewish...

 

The love of a Jewish grandma is as valuable as a Christian or a Muslim grandma... And you - my son - having a fancy title is of little use if you don't know how to draw thread through the eye of the needle...

Open your heart: you are the world; you are a Jew... by birth. A Christian Arab was your father. A Muslim is your wife. Your children are of all the religions... They could have been the ones to vision peace, love, and tolerance among all of mankind!

 

After all, they are all of mankind...

 

I love you, son...

 

Oct 16 2007

YB