Tell me your story! Sing me your song! When your heart is ready, take my hand. I will climb motherhood, sisterhood, paths with you in my heart. Embrace. I will step from
inhibition, caring for you little girl, to put you on a cloud of happiness, tenderness, and serenity...
Life is a cycle. Nothing stays the same. All of it is ashes in the wind, sometimes the storms are violent.
Sometimes ripples in the sea when the storm gets unbearable. Just remember the comfort of sitting in front of a fireplace in the middle of winter, or the aroma of a garden full of blooms, or think of all coming back to life in the spring, or the magic of the fiery red leaves in autumn.......
And think of all the four seasons.
Some people have spring all year round. How about the ones with summer forever? Or even better, autumn for a life time. Hush...... Hush! I left out winter, I would never give up my four seasons.
Fly me to a places in the heavens, fly me beneath your wings between blue skies and bright stars.
Have a halo put on my head of white lilies, a red rose placed in the center of my heart......
For all the love I had to give and no one is there to receive.
No Elan and family, no Shirel and family, and no A and family.
So, sweet girl of mine! Today is a new beginning.
My world will be enriched. My heart will be mended.
My spirit will be free. For today is the day seeds will be planted.
I don't have to see the seeds in order to plant them.
I need only to have faith that the seeds are there to be planted,.
My soul will wise up.. Hallelujah for a new beginning.
Putting my positions in order makes for a neat home.
Putting my thoughts in order equals tranquility.
Hallelujah for the freedom to fly with a halo of lilies on my head.
A bunch of roses in my heart. navigating between the fluffy clouds, the blue skyies, shiny stars, healing the branches of my soul. What a wonderful life!
Thank you
God for everything you sent my way, all of it made me who I am. I am walking my
path with grace and dignity, and I am hoping in my heart that I will find a
harbour in this world, which will be serene and calm, and loving. Like every
one, I feel the need to be in a relationship of affection, mutual respect,
friendliness, and warmth. I am not made out of stone or iron.
Sweet
love Raymond G., you will always be in a special corner of my heart where
your big heart embraced me and you made my living life much more loving. There
were so many more tears in the heart that never reached my eyes, for you
were there to put a smile on my face.
I love
you, man. You made me believe in life all over again. Last time that I held you
was in 1993 and now it is 1998, and I am on my way to Paris, to claim
our midnight in Paris.
He was
the only one that made me believe. He was good and kind, and he respected me. I
still can smell his aroma. I can see the softness of his eyes. I can hear
the beats of his heart.
He tried
to act very strong and cold, but he was the most sensitive man I have ever got
to know.
He was so
tender, soft, generous, kind and most of all, he loved me, the only one who
ever showed me love...
For that
my love, I am in debt to you for life. I love your world, your universe, your
loyalty, your tender heart, the magic of the summer of '93 with you in Paris,
in the south of France. Your loving, us together, was overwhelming Monte Carlo
and most of all, the first 24 hours we spent just talking. I will forever love
us!
You shredded my heart
You wounded my spirit
You bettered your mother
When my marriage ended, my life changed
dramatically. In my wildest dream, I didn't expect my son Élan to tell me:
"You sacrificed twenty years of your life being with my father and now you
are leaving him? If you really loved us you would sacrifice another twenty
years and stay with him".
My son at that time was 18 years old, he did not
care that I was abused for 22 years. It was so hard for me to hear that. I
never imagined that my child will be so full of hate toward me. No respect. And
he was angry at me for wanting to finally start respecting myself...
He told me if I leave, he will make sure
that I will never see my other two children. Between the two of them, my child
Élan and his father, there was no chance for me. My first born, who was born
three months early because of the abuse his father put me through, pushed me
down a flight of stairs in a hotel in Cyprus shortly after that I give
birth to Élan.
Premature baby, one kilogram, it was so hard to
leave him behind in the hospital and to go home with an abusive man who made me
feel as if I was the trash of the world. I never expected anyone to be perfect,
but I had a need for respect I had never received from the
monster I was married to, and not from my children. They believed that it
was all right to treat women like thrash, we are second-rate
citizens.
My daughter told me once in a restaurant, when we
were having a mother day dinner. "A woman is a bitch and then
you marry one!" I thought I was fainting, that was what she heard her
father say all the time...
So child, if I only knew that having my children
will be the saddest part of my life I most likely would not have
children... My children were born in Canada, Élan was born in Israel
and came to Canada as an infant. Their father brainwashed them, he poisoned
them against the Jews, the western world and against anyone who is doing better
than he does, happier than he is and more successful than he is...
The inseparable bond between mothers and children begins at the moment of conception, growing and developing as we grow, learn, and become a family unit.
It takes an evil man to separate between that kind of love and a bond..
A man that is sick, full of hate, his words are evil, his life is a misery, full of jealousy that took over his entire being.
A man who is an abuser, has no heart, respect, value of life.
To him, only if you are an Arab can you be worthy to have a life...
He was my ex-husband, the father of my children...
I will be able to deal with Michael Imseis with peace when he will start loving his children and grandchildren more than he hates Jews including his ex-wife.
This evil man forced me to spend my life without my children and grandchildren.
And now I am spending my life with out a part of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel sad for myself. I feel cheated by you, my baby.
I loved being your mother, you made everything in the world feel for me on a deeper level.
You taught me the truth about joy and happiness, about the important things in life, and there was nothing in my life as concrete than being your mom.
I saw pure love in your eyes when you looked in my eyes. I try so hard to bring out the best in you,
to teach you how to love, I try to be an influence to you, to respect all mankind regardless of skin or religion, but you followed your begot father's footstep. The powerful influence of your mother didn't matter, you hate having a Jewish mom.
You would have preferred that she never existed. You shunt me away, Jewish mother who could never take you out of her mind or her heart. My landscape turned in to a dry deserted land, absent of my baby child.
Baby my son, do you know how comfortable you were as a baby? How easy it was to slip into being your mother and caregiver? I enjoyed every second. The depth of the feelings that I had for you, my baby child, are absolutely divine.
Now it is so hard to be apart from you and your children (that you would not allow me to see).
I will love you and my grandchildren (even if I will never see them).
Not just for today or tomorrow, I will love all of you, son, within my soul and forever.
Your Jewish mother....
I feel sorry for energy wasted instead of glory delight.
My heart speaks to me and I need to hear what it is telling me what can I do for you now Girl.
Bring me peace and glory to my present life. Let go of memories that bring me pain and agony.
My heart speaks.
It is telling me, "Heal me, love me, embrace me....."
There was a big fat man Richard Harlow, who promised to care, to love, and to cherish me.
He said with his love for me he will fly me to heaven, comfort me, bring joyfulness to every moment of my life.
The only thing he is asking of me is to be his wife, his best friend, his lover, his soul-mate. Wow...that sounded so magical....
I believed in him, I trusted him so when he told me "Come fly with me beyond the stars, beyond your fears where angels are and there together we will sit beside the hand of God. You and I watching the day approaching when souls will fly, will see our many wishes touch the sky, and happiness becomes a dream that lives in peace and doesn't die," so I went with him.....
Day by day I waited for that miracle to happen. I got drawn near him, I believed when he told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him in his life. He made my heart twinkle and asked of me to shine his life.
I married him. Life was wonderful for me, but I was living a lie.......
The lies, the self-talk, the detachment where there were no simple pleasures any more. there are changes in him, for me, growing pain moment by moment. He brought his lover to my bed, in my house...... Can you get any lower than that?
Now I question my own destiny, my flying to heaven with him became my habitat in hell. I divorced him. Thank God!
In slow motion... pushed away piece by piece, my heart sunk into a hole, as you walked away from me and shattered my dreams.
Why couldn't you have a mother and a father? My heart shredded to pieces, my spirit and soul crashed, faded like a candle light in the wind. My life became darker and darker....
I have to know and understand why I was not welcomed to my sons' weddings. In my daughter's wedding I was treated like a stranger, humiliated by my child setting me with a bunch of strangers; no part of family, children, and grandchildren, no friends.
And to top it off, my daughter took a strain of pearl necklace and earrings I gave here as wedding gifts, she gave it to her girl friend to put it around her neck.
For a moment I thought my heart was stopping, I never would dream that the child I loved so much
could hate me so.........
I couldn't breathe, I wished to drop dead at that moment: the pain was unbearable. She reminded me of the cruel pain that her father used to shower me with every day of my life with him. They learned to abuse me by watching him do it.
I have seven grandchildren, I don't now some of them at all (my baby's children, two of them he would not even tell me their names. My ex is an Arab catholic, so just imagine what I had to go through.
Their mother is Muslim, no way she wants them to know that they are part Jewish, and some of my daughters and my oldest son's children I saw 5 or 6 times in their life. Their ages ranged between 15 and 3 years. Never been in a birthday, I am totally shunted away......
That is why I am writing so they will know how much I love them.
And how much we both have been deprived by their supposedly loving parents.
(Two of them are my youngest son's children - he is a human rights lawyer, what a joke! where is the human right of his mother and his children.... He even refuses to send me a photograph of the kids)
These days have been very difficult and hard on me, I am circling between hell and earth.
I need a miracle to make this bad dream go away. I made an error in my youth and I will pay for it until the day I die.
What am I to do to overcome my sadness and pain, the heartache and the loss?
I think it is as hard as if they were dead, perhaps it is harder.
Now I have to pick up the pieces, now I have to mend my heart, planting new hopes and caring for my soul and spirit.
Like new blooms in my garden in the spring, I owe it to myself.
I have to see my path blooming; the branches of my soul is sprouting new leaves.
My life has to have new meaning. I deserved it with them or without them.
My world has to go on........thanks to every angel that crossed my path, and the light my mother guided me with...... and most of all, thank you Lord for being by my side and carrying me through it.
The place where the light didn't shine now will be
Bright as a shooting Star
The coin fell in the well, the wish went with it!
The heart prayed for it, God give me the ability to make a living it will take for the insecurity,
the shame, pressure and stress out of my life.
I want my dignity, pride and sensibility, I now have to wait.
Maybe today, perhaps tomorrow.
Oh.. a lively shooting star shining bright
How sparkling and overwhelming this peaceful feeling:
Divine whisper in my soul,
"Hey Girl! You couldn't enter the well,
but your prayer did and it announced your intention.
Little girl, your wish just came true."
Children, please tell me why you have forsaken me? Tell me why you turned your back on me?
You were my heart and soul and all of my world. I had dreams for us. You threw me away as if I was trash.
We were together, my children and I. They were my most precious commodity in my life. Where is my bill of right? Tell me please.
My sun, Elan , my moon, Shirel, and my baby sky! You were my seasons, thunder, lightning, the breezing winds, the white snow and the bearing sands. You are and were all I had in my universe land. Where did that all go?
You broke my heart. You shattered my soul. You tortured my spirit. You made darkness in my universe land.
I see ugliness, shame. I am an outcast in my dry, bare land. just tell me WHY? You deprived yourselves, your children, and I......
Till the end of time I will be the
Only Mom you have and I love you!
I gave to you my heart and soul. You were my dreams and hope. I gave to you all happiness that I can.
You were my world and what I stand for.
I gave to you the moment shared between mother and child, I wiped your nose, I dried your tears, I calmed your fears when you needed me.
When mother and baby had first touch I was that mom. Never thinking that could end because I am Jewish. All of my world crushed when you broke my heart and crushed my wings. I kept dreaming of one day you will be back to share with me mended hearts.
I gave to you life we could have shared; you didn't want to. It is your life to live. You own the key to that life.
So please be kind with you, for I will be your mom for life.
And remember: neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds for all (including for your mom.)
Walk tall as the trees, live with dignity and pride. Be strong as the mountains, be gentle as the spring winds.
Keep the warmth of the summer sun in your heart. Be proud of your heritage: you can't hide from it. And the Lord will be always with you.
You cannot rewrite yesterday's news;
you can influence what you read tomorow morning.
Shl, this is the day when you will have to connect with your dreams, your hope, foresee the future of you and your child (A little girl) and then comes the day a little bundle is in your arms, adorable, vulnerable, totally relying on you.
You give everything you have, love, your heart, your soul. You become your child. You live and breathe through her. She becomes your being on earth and then oops! She kicks, she betrays, and she's gone.
And all that's left is an empty, dark heart, filled with sores, pain, and more pain. I wish for you very happy times with your children....
Here is love that seats in the heart, blazing like fire, wishing for dreams to come true. I will just imagine...
Perhaps the golden tread will bind and turn into realities by tomorrow.
Smile by the fire, sleep in to the memories of happiness. As to the soul of quiet, here is loving by the warmth of passion. Here is feeding the soil with the sun, the moon, and sky. A vibrant spring will bloom the garden of my soul. Here is love, kindness, serenity, harmony ... the music of life.
The idea of a letter at large seems strange to me. Impersonal. I guess maybe there is something unnatural about it. How could I send the same letter to all who ever cared? Each of whom knows different bits of my journey? I am choosing to honour this painful piece of my life story by sharing it.
Trusting these years of teaching myself that each life story including my own has value and is worthy of being told. The experience of parting with my mother after four or five years of being mother and child.
Those years has afforded me a window of insight into a world that I'd been too afraid to even acknowledge existed. I've talked and read and heard so much about close relationship between mothers and daughters that the whole subject seems played out. Yet I can't deny the struggles I had with it.
The sweet genteel soul of the little girl that I was during my childhood had become steeled, frozen and buried so deep in me. Years of violence, rage and oppression was my experience of my childhood world. My life with my husband was full of abuses and a life of hell.
I managed to push most of it away, a survival skill I had acquired after too many days of chaos and
hopelessness. All I wanted is validation to process ever so slowly my childhood pain. Now, compassion is replacing self judgement and criticism I have been inspired to reclaim my childhood, however scary it is and reach out for spiritual guides to help me relearn, rewire and heal.
Best of all I have been inspired to reach, to find in me the wise woman who had been terrorized into silence by circumstances beyond her control. What I need to put down here is that for the first time maybe ever, I am feeling all the pain instead of feeling shame, I am embracing myself with love and acceptance. I am not running, nor denying its existence, not allowing an unwanted opinion point of view entering my world.
I never had a house that felt safe, dignified and had love in it. I didn't know what it will feel like until I healed my world and I got it for myself; it feels good.....
Never had a family until my children who shunt me... my crime being Jewish.... their Arabian father always said they would have been better off with no mother than a Jewish one. My only family were gone. And I am not welcome to be part of their lives or my grandchildren's lives.
Now my friends are my family, and guides I worked with to heal my life are the ones who validate me. It is a strange feeling to be seen and respected by a group who were willing to give and receive and sharing. Perhaps the contrast they provided me with is what finally sends me back to my history to grieve for what's been lost in my life.
I simply must trust that it is all right for me to do what I need to do, even if it appears to make no logical sense in the past. I just left, walked away, never demanded anything. I never had felt that I deserved anything. It was the result of what was inserted in me by the people who were supposed to love me.
The abuse that my husband put me through... the physical abuse, the mental torture he used to bring me to an unbearable pain. It was like being in a dark snake pit. Now, in my life, I took charge. No blaming or making anyone wrong.
They were only things that happened in my life. Over the years of healing I have moved from anger and resentment to forgiveness and understanding. My relationship with my mom that left me by passing away at such a young age is now vastly better than it has ever been in spite of the fact that I for always will miss having a mother, my children and my grandchildren and a real family. I am clear that it is critical to honour and respect all who have come into my life and made it possible.
I know in my heart that they truly did the best they were able to, and meant me no harm. In spite of all of this, it remains vitally important to honour and respect all of what I feel in particular the grief, anger, pain and pure sadness. All of this makes my joy and love possible. I honour the courage required of me to break the ancient chain of denial, even as I must respect those who choose not to.
I have come to this moment to be alone to grieve and heal. I don't have to understand any of it. I only need to allow myself to be. I am doing this in honour of the sweet loving courageous little girl I once was. I know that she remains the wisest part of me, and I will create a safe place to bring her back for I believe that she is the one who can teach me how to love and be loved.
In honour of all the mothers out there I shall end with a quote from "Return of the Great Goddess." I remember asking my mother the woman who'd believe in me and bless my path. Does the fear ever stop? When will I believe in myself enough that I am not scared all the time? She smiled, running her long fingers through her soft white hair. "Never dear. You just recognize it. Look it in the eyes, and keep moving." We can't banish the dark but we can navigate there, can't we?"
The circle of life is a manifestation of the infinite.
My little heart is whipping; my little heart is breaking
Oh God, mend it; oh Divine God, heal it
My soul is in need of comfort; my soft heart wants to fly
My spirit wishes to unlock the beauty of survival
Will I ever find the stairway to happiness, Mr God?
They were three: the Sun, the Moon, and the Sky. The sun was my oldest. The first second I laid my eyes on him there was a warmth that flooded my heart. He was so small: one kilogram prematurely born as a result of the push down a flight of stairs by my abusive Arab husband.
Falling down the stairs cost my premature child to be born. I welcomed him to my life with all of me ... The sun brightened my universe. The Little hands, the tiny feet, the beautiful face that was all eyes. In the incubator laid my angel for the first three month of his life.
He didn't have to be physically close to touch my soul. He was my life. My angel gave me and the world something unique and very special that stays with me for all the rest of my days and time. How can I ever forget the joy and fulfilment? He was all my wants and all my needs. What a feeling total blitz and fulfilment!
I will never be able to understand how he turned his back on me, shunt me, forsake me for being a Jew. You are one too. All I have to remember is that treasure is not a son! But a son is always a treasure......
My second was the Moon, Shirel.
A beautiful Girl sweet soul who loved, cherished Inspired every body who looked at her. She was an original; always unique, her bright tender eyes so full of love, glitters and serene peaceful shine ...What a gift to my heart! I was filled with pride of being a Mother to an angel as such. When she made sounds, it was sweeter than any birds', any rivers, any sounds known on earth.
Her music was not based on sound, it was the instrument of love. She was my Moon. The love of my life; the one that I expected loyalty from.
Dear girl, the heart always remembers.......
My third was Sky, my baby A.
When my sky was born the light of his faith in me shined. It illuminated my heart, and the hearts of my Sun, my Moon and all of the angels in the universe .....
My heart was drowning in the light; precious gift from up above. A gift kept wrapped in love, he certainly made my ups longer than my downs. He made my world more special just by being in it. He is a miracle; he taught me to enjoy the little things in life......I am your mother now and forever. My duty to you is a matter of the mind. My commitment to you is a matter of my heart. I had both of them to give to you all.
They were ignored, shunt. not wanted by my universe: my Sun, my Moon and my Sky... Oh how it hurts. My empty heart is dark. How I would like a sparkle from the Moon, a bit of light from the Sun or perhaps some glider from my Sky.....
Just a heart bursting with love is what I have for my Sun, my Moon, and my Sky. My children turned their back on me. They left me like a tree without leaves. I must create new leaves, new directions in order to survive.
My children were born with a need to be loved and never will outgrow it. I am here to love you now and forever..... I will wait for your return to my life until the day I die. For now, I will let you free. I say goodbye. I hope and pray that your path will illuminate your life. Be happy in your world. For my darlings, I will have to move on with mine...
I love taking photographs this one
Florida sunrise
If I could build a world for you from an empty space
It will be full of love and that love will be our light
The havens will be integrity,
Shining on us and around us
Each blade of grass would be a perfect thought
Each cloud a perfect soul,
And every day when the sun rises
Our world is reborn whole
Injustice pain and hunger
Will not be created there
Only joy, peace love, happiness
Will be there for all to share
Everything will be possible
The earth will be our friend
The wind will whisper wisdom to the trees
While their branches gently bend
And every night when the sun goes down
We children of this world hold our spirit up high with gratitude
For another perfect day ..... If only I could!
And as we soar among the stars we will wish
And dream for a world where
There will be love, peace and joy for all....
I became an orphan in a blink of an eye. I froze to the core of my soul. My mom who always lit up my life was gone. I buried my mom with a cry in my aching heart. I tried to make sense of it all.
All was pain, confusion, fear and loss.....my mom gave me a beautiful gift before she passed a black and white fur coat. I loved that coat. It was as beautiful as my mom.
Shortly after her passing, I went to the park across of my house to be with me. These two ladies approached me to play school. They took my coat, put me behind a wall, which was supposedly my classroom. When class would be over, they would call your name. All day long I waited for them. The only ones who called my name was a policeman searching for me..... My only winter beloved black and white fur coat was gone like my mom......
Black and white, the texture of the life I lived, with an ensemble of angels above guided by my mom watching over me.....
My heart desire was to survive. A whisper in my heart drew my spirit to the path of life against the odds. I wanted to be the best for my mom. She was for always in my heart. It is the spring of my life now and then summer from the garden of my heart sprang an aroma of delight. With a veil of serenity I wrapped my little heart with wishes of love, joy, songs, dance, harmony and most of all with courage and beauty. In life I will stand..... until we meet again, Mom....
A friend is the person you turn to when your family just won't do.
Dearest friends
With Love a rose from my garden for all of you.
Do not blindly believe what others say. See for yourself what brings contentment, clarity and peace. That is the path for you and me to follow.
True freedom comes when we follow the natural goodness of our heart. Because words have the power to destroy or heal. I choose to take
a complete vocabulary of words that are both true and kind with integrity, honesty, authenticity and a lot of sensitivity. They will be my path to change my world for the better.
I am happy.... Thank you dearest friends for all you have done to help me in my difficult times.
Love your Mothers now. Now is the only time you have.
Tomorrow may never come.
Daughters of the world: Just remember. No one will ever love you as your MOM. She gave you life. For every kiss you received, for every hug ... return two. Your life will be sweeter for the giving. Love your mothers now...... the only time you have.
Her belly was your first secure home. Her heart beats was the sound of your music. She quenched your thirst with the liquid of life. She was your first playground. The perfect warmth. The perfect light. Her face was the first to light up your world.
Her tenderness was your security blanket. When you opened your eyes at night, she was their to hold you, hug, kiss, and cry with you. She comforted, smiled and danced with you.
You were her life line, her world, her heart, illuminated with every little move or sound you made. She had dreams for you....If that is not unconditional love, WHAT IS?
Daughters of the world. Tomorrow may never come. Tell your MOM of this love, THANKS so she can hear you before the end comes.
Daughters of the World, live this act of life fully and totally as if it was your last day.
Tomorrow may never come.
Just want you to know that I love you child.
Let us fly together, to a peaceful land.
In my heart I will engrave a million reasons
Why I love you so
Have you ever watched your friends looking at their mothers eyes?
Have you ever heard rain drops sounding like your mother's tear drops?
Have you ever heard the beats of your mother's broken heart?
Have you ever imagine the darkness imposed on your mother's heart?
Have you ever wished to mend that broken heart?
Did you ever searched your hearts and souls for that last dance?
Just to find the broken heart went silent.....too late for a dance
Have you ever asked yourselves, "Why?"
We locked our hearts to the one who gave us life.
My children shunt me. No life danced with me.
Time is short. The music may die.
And then all is left is silent.
And more silent....
No mom to honour your life dance.....
Birthday card was not picked up.
Ar.....Elan and Sh: my children, are you there?
On your birthday, each one of you I have a wish for you, connecting with love, compassion, tender hearts.
Awakening your senses reveals what life can be, of whom you are, of what you can become to all humans including your mom....
You can be the key to the joy of giving and receiving. You have the power to turn the key. May your life be blessed with opportunities to paint your days with laughter, love and peace in your heart, and soul.
Soften your hearts. Be proud of your Jewish mother and your Jewish self. Be proud of your heritage....
