Reflection on the shadows that blocked the light

My angelic Mom

Grandma

                       My Beautiful Mom

Me.... Y

 To all who ever cared for me......

Dear ones,

The idea of a letter at large seems strange to me. Impersonal. I guess maybe there is something unnatural about it. How could I send the same letter to all who ever cared? Each of whom knows different bits of my journey? I am choosing to honour this painful piece of my life story by sharing it.

Trusting these years of teaching myself that each life story including my own has value and is worthy of being told. The experience of parting with my mother after four or five years of being mother and child.

Those years has afforded me a window of insight into a world that I'd been too afraid to even acknowledge existed. I've talked and read and heard so much about close relationship between mothers and daughters that the whole subject seems played out. Yet I can't deny the struggles I had with it.

The sweet genteel soul of the little girl that I was during my childhood had become steeled, frozen and buried so deep in me. Years of violence, rage and oppression was my experience of my childhood world.  My life with my husband was full of abuses and a life of hell.

I managed to push most of it away, a survival skill I had acquired after too many days of chaos and
hopelessness.  All I wanted is validation to process ever so slowly my childhood pain. Now, compassion is replacing self judgement and criticism I have been inspired to reclaim my childhood, however scary it is and reach out for spiritual guides to help me relearn, rewire and heal.

Best of all I have been inspired to reach, to find in me the wise woman who had been terrorized into silence by circumstances beyond her control. What I need to put down here is that for the first time maybe ever, I am feeling all the pain instead of feeling shame, I am embracing myself with love and acceptance. I am not running, nor denying its existence, not allowing an unwanted opinion point of view entering my world.

I never had a house that felt safe, dignified and had love in it. I didn't know what it will feel like until I healed my world and I got it for myself; it feels good.....

Never had a family until my children who shunt me... my crime being Jewish.... their Arabian father always said they would have been better off with no mother than a Jewish one. My only family were gone. And I am not welcome to be part of their lives or my grandchildren's lives.

Now my friends are my family, and guides I worked with to heal my life are the ones who validate me. It is a strange feeling to be seen and respected by a group who were willing to give and receive and sharing. Perhaps the contrast they provided me with is what finally sends me back to my history to grieve for what's been lost in my life.

I simply must trust that it is all right for me to do what I need to do, even if it appears to make no logical sense in the past. I just left, walked away, never demanded anything. I never had felt that I deserved anything. It was the result of what was inserted in me by the people who were supposed to love me.

The abuse that my husband put me through... the physical abuse, the mental torture he used to bring me to an unbearable pain. It was like being in a dark snake pit. Now, in my life, I took charge. No blaming or making anyone wrong.

They were only things that happened in my life. Over the years of healing I have moved from anger and resentment to forgiveness and understanding. My relationship with my mom that left me by passing away at such a young age is now vastly better than it has ever been in spite of the fact that I for always will miss having a mother, my children and my grandchildren and a real family. I am clear that it is critical to honour and respect all who have come into my life and made it possible.

I know in my heart that they truly did the best they were able to, and meant me no harm. In spite of all of this, it remains vitally important to honour and respect all of what I feel in particular the grief, anger, pain and pure sadness. All of this makes my joy and love possible. I honour the courage required of me to break the ancient chain of denial, even as I must respect those who choose not to.

I have come to this moment to be alone to grieve and heal. I don't have to understand any of it. I only need to allow myself to be. I am doing this in honour of the sweet loving courageous little girl I once was. I know that she remains the wisest part of me, and I will create a safe place to bring her back for I believe that she is the one who can teach me how to love and be loved.

In honour of all the mothers out there I shall end with a quote from "Return of the Great Goddess." I remember asking my mother the woman who'd believe in me and bless my path. Does the fear ever stop? When will I believe in myself enough that I am not scared all the time? She smiled, running her long fingers through her soft white hair.  "Never dear. You just recognize it. Look it in the eyes, and keep moving." We can't banish the dark but we can navigate there, can't we?"

YB
May 2002