In slow motion




My broken wings cannot fly these days

In slow motion... pushed away piece by piece, my heart sunk into a hole, as you walked away from me and shattered my dreams.

Why couldn't you have a mother and a father? My heart shredded to pieces, my spirit and soul crashed, faded like a candle light in the wind. My life became darker and darker....

I have to know and understand why I was not welcomed to my sons' weddings. In my daughter's wedding I was treated like a stranger, humiliated by my child setting me with a bunch of strangers; no part of  family, children, and grandchildren, no friends.

And to top it off,  my daughter took a strain of  pearl necklace and earrings I gave here as wedding gifts, she gave it to her girl friend to put it around her neck.

For a moment I thought my heart was stopping, I never would dream that the child I loved so much
could hate me so.........

I couldn't breathe, I wished to drop dead at that moment: the pain was unbearable. She reminded me of the cruel pain that her father used to shower me with every day of my life with him. They learned to abuse me by watching him do it.

I have seven grandchildren, I don't now some of them at all (my baby's children, two of them he would not even tell me their names. My ex is an Arab catholic, so just imagine what I had to go through.

Their mother is Muslim, no way she wants them to know that they are part Jewish, and some of  my daughters and my oldest son's children I saw 5 or 6 times in their life. Their ages ranged between 15 and 3 years. Never been in a birthday, I am totally shunted away......

That is why I am writing so they will  know how much I love them.

And how much we both have been deprived by their supposedly loving parents.
(Two of them are my youngest son's children - he is a human rights lawyer, what a joke! where is the human right of his mother and his children.... He even refuses to send me a photograph of the kids)

These days have been very difficult and hard on me, I am circling between hell and earth.

I need a miracle to make this bad dream go away. I made an error in my youth and I will pay for it until the day I die.

What am I to do to overcome my sadness and pain, the heartache and the loss?

I think it is as hard as if they were dead, perhaps it is harder.

Now I have to pick up the pieces, now I have to mend my heart, planting new hopes and caring for my soul and spirit.

Like new blooms in my garden in the spring, I owe it to myself.

I have to see my path blooming; the branches of my soul is sprouting new leaves.

My life has to have new meaning. I deserved it with them or without them.

My world has to go on........thanks to every angel that crossed my path, and the light my mother guided me with...... and most of all, thank you Lord for being by my side and carrying me through it.

May 2007

YB