Tucked In my heart

 

Love you for life Mom

My children, you are tucked away so nicely in a special corner of my heart and mind. And when I find myself thinking of you, or when I needed to think about you in order to help me through my painful days, I merely had to bring you forth to that special corner of my heart and mind to revive those special memories with you and to savour and remember feelings of love, joy of being your mother, your keeper.

And then you were turned against me. I could not see you again. You pushed me away as if

I didn't exist. I could not understand children who have a mother that loves them to death and they don't want her and her love. Her only crime? She is Jewish. And their father had to punish me for finallly freeing myself from the hell he had me live in every single day with him.

My mother was taken away from me by the Lord.... I just can't understand! How can a child take the side of an abusing father against his mother... Secretly I cried inside every time I thought of you. And I cried in sadness knowing that I must tuck you again in that special corner of my heart and mind, that I must put away those feelings of my love for my children and grandchildren forever hopeful of someday having the luxury of seeing you...

For now I must tuck you away again in that special corner of my mind that I have reserved just for you... maby with  GODS will I will never think of you again....


With love to all of you.

Mom,and Nana to my grandchildren.

"We are not Arab and Jews! we are family. And  I am your mother and grandmother."
               

Apr 2 2001

YB

Micheal MY X...Elan and my baby boy. no more Abuse

 The bridge to victory



There is a point when emotion begins to break up the mind, the spirit, and soul. There are certain things that can be said, shattering the reason for my existence, withstanding how I feel. It is approaching to the end. It feels in my heart... no more beating, name calling, degrading. putting you down to zero and below...

At one point he told me if he had the power he would put all orphans in a line-up and shoot all of us. According to my X...Michael Imseis, we orphans are not worthy of loving or be loved because we  can't love .....and we can't be loved.... It is coming to an end his time has run out with me.

I am trying to collect my thoughts to begin to rebuild a new reason for living. I must find my path again in order to move forward. I have been standing in the rain, the snow bare feet. He will lock me out the house far too long, toyed with, played with, manipulated...

It is time to don my survivor coat and go for a long walk. Alone. Alone, soaking the warmth of this cosy feeling, no more beatings.

Yolland, just remember when the next storm knocks on the window of your heart again, do not open the door again. That door is locked for good to anyone ... never allow yourself to be abused again...

Dec 27 1979

YB



Let my voice be heard





May we have peace on earth

As I look into the mirror, I see reflection of me. What else, of course, but me? It's more than just the face. In fact the voice that was silenced for the last 32 years is there, underneath now itching to surface, asking to be let out and let my voice be heard, validate myself and my feelings. I always hoped for a better ending. I didn't want to shut the door. I left an opening, hoping that my children will end up coming back to my life.


 I pushed all the pain, the tiredness, the calm of new hope - a certain serenity of knowing that my babies will come back and will want to be part of my life. But I was wrong! So many years passed by, and things are not getting better. The sadness of the passage of time, so many years of quietly putting up with the emotional abuse that I endured in order to do what is good for them, but it is not good for me. 

 

I neglected me I silenced  my voice, and all the while thinking, intellectualising, that if it is good for my children, it surely must be good for me. No, it is not good for me. I must let my voice be heard, venture faith, be me, be real, ask, demand with new found strength to push the shame away. Let my story out. Let my children finally realise that their secret is out there: you are Jewish with a Jewish mother...

A mother that finally let her voice be heard and her story be told.....and you A  you can't hide from the reality of your life. It will catch up with you.

Start with your mother's and your children's human rights...

A Jew and proud to be

Mom....

Feb 15 2012

YB

                                   





my baby Boy warm up your heart

A. warm up ur heart

Knowledge can be captured by the mind. Love for your mother must be apprehended, and instilled into the soul and the heart...

 

Whatever happened to my children's souls? They were the water of my life, the light to my surviving, the winter of life.

 

They crushed my soul and spirit and broke my heart. Being their mother was my pride and joy.  to my baby if you wish to be understood; be understanding of others.

 

Your words sliced my heart when you give one who has so little love. Love will come your way... where is my baby's soul placed, in your earthly dry heart which your father poisoned.

 

Baby! I am aching for you. I am the woman who gave you life. I had so many heavenly thoughts for you. I carried them in my heart but evil was planted in your heart and soul. I am your Jewish mother and you are my son.



With my blood running life in your heart; stop running from the facts of life. Be respectful of who you are and the world will respect you. There is always a power larger than the power of the evil that your father has instilled in you. He polluted your heart and soul with hatred and bigotry.  I am Jewish; I am also your Mom, and forever the only mother you will ever have.

 

All I am wishing for is to rekindle the love with my children. But,  if you don't feel love in your heart for your mom, how can that love exist? My heart at the moment is in a place where the sun stopped shining when you turned your back on me. I am hoping for a miracle coming my way

 

Please, Baby, do not forget that you deprived me of being your mother and grandmother to your children. You didn't give them the chance to get to know their grandmother. And you, darling (the human right lawyer,) deprived them of their birth right of having the love of a grandmother. Love, even if she is Jewish...

 

The love of a Jewish grandma is as valuable as a Christian or a Muslim grandma... And you - my son - having a fancy title is of little use if you don't know how to draw thread through the eye of the needle...

Open your heart: you are the world; you are a Jew... by birth. A Christian Arab was your father. A Muslim is your wife. Your children are of all the religions... They could have been the ones to vision peace, love, and tolerance among all of mankind!

 

After all, they are all of mankind...

 

I love you, son...

 

Oct 16 2007

YB
 

My children!

You did light up my life ones a pony time
 





MY CHILDREN

 

Don't want me

And they let me know

They don't  



I want my children 

And I let them know

That I want them

But that is not where

They want to go

Or  want  to be loved by me 

They don't want   my love
A Jewish mother love

I am shunt by them
They know my love  for them

How does a mother not wilt?

I will try when feelings come

My way I'll let them flow in my heart

Perhaps a miracle will try to find me!

Amen!





12 Aug 2004



YB



 









Ideal Father

An ideal Father preaches love and peace

 

An Ideal Father should be strong and guiding understanding, and giving honest and forthright confidence.

An Ideal Father should be relaxed and soft, flexible and tolerant but most of all an Ideal Father should be a loving man who won't deprive his children and grandchildren from exercising  there birth right, have a loving relationship with an adoring mother and grandmother... because she is Jewish... That is a poisoning Father, who is a bigot that is the monster I was married to.

Dec 8 2009

YB

Ultimate rejection



The landscape of my life ceased to exist

The Allotment rejection: Was the early battle for giving you life worth it? Was the early battle worth fighting for? Was the pain physical, and emotional, worth enduring?

Children, tell me, was it? In the silent moments, agonising heartbeats, despair emotions... followed by depressions - was it worth it? If I can't have the pleasure of seeing you...



Are the emotional scars you left me with worth it? Is that what I deserve for breathing life in you? I thought you would be the sun to the garden of my life. I thought my children will be the light of my life. I thought they will value my love for them, and proudly love me for they were my life line, the extension of my soul. With them gone, the light and the sun vanished. The landscape of my life ceased to exist. With the allotment rejection of Child One Élan Peter, of Child Two Shi and my Baby.. 

Oct 10 2008

YB

Mr God - why me??

Yolland

Mama Hana



In my life I have experienced some first  I have witnessed some of lives knocked out. I have walked and burnt my emotions to the
drums of my world and what was expected of me by every one who was supposed to care for me, including Mr. God. Is there a way to ask you, please?

Why me? I haven't yet been able to understand death. In order to be able to reconcile my true feelings; the void in my heart never left me even now at sixty-nine. I am still haunted by the pain and the loss. So how would an x evil husband pay you for leaving him?

As he said to me he will make sure I will never see the only family I have - my children... He kept his promise to me - Mom. Periodically I have dreams filled with hopes and honest emotions of visits with my mom, dreams symbolic of the love that could have been. They are the only forum left for fantasy with the mystic of my angel - my Mama Hana...

Mr. God, why wasn't my life the forum?

Wish to know!

Apr 5 2002

YB

Alone



                                                                             

I must deal with my fear of being alone. My family shunt me; they left a hole in the Jewish mother heart. Loss of love, faith, family, confidence, loss of respect, loss of security... And all of it because who I am, what I am (and proud of it!)

I am Jewish; was born one, will die as one and live as one. I am proud of me and my heritage. I am me; I love who I am, I respect me, I value me. I have a heart, a soul... I walk tall softly through life; one of me,  one of a kind with a story to tell and a courage to share.

That is love for all who passed by me. That is my spirit. That is my soul and my will for survival... For you guys, my family, I pray that you will be guided by the Good, not Evil...

Hope it will be the last storm of my life

Jan 9 2000

YB





My inner child speaks

my inner child speaks

Dearest you...

Thank you for your kind words, for your spirit your courage and your wisdom.

Thanks for sharing your life stories with me... Come, girl, enjoy with me my sunflowers as it is evident that they shine within my passion for life with you.

I am your angel, your flying teacher. Fly, my child. Discover your own wings. Never again feel lonely at the top

You are with me. At any place, you will be me...

Take me with you where ever you go, my child.

I am your angel…

Apr 7 2002

YB

                                                                      

A place called Home

Home, sweet home

It is always nice to have a place called home

A place you find refuge; a place of quiet

Serenity, peace and integrity...

A place where I make the point

Of leading my heart through the clearing

Nothing terrorizes me

And instills fear in to my soul

Crashing my dreams, my hopes and my faith

A place called home

Will help walk the one who has

To cross an open world without love

It feels so alone, naked, and powerless...

In crossing this uncovered landscape called World 

I am in a trance-like state

As I make my way trough the fields of life

Noticing the beauty, the ugly and the agony

Of this life,,,

As I walk through my world,

Wondering, dreaming, and wishing

For a place called home

My home, my own home...

Where I can feel peace, calm, serene...

Knowledge that I am alive and safe in my home

No need to be scared anymore......

Oct 10 2000

YB

Mama Hana







I love you Mama Hana



Even though the havens are between us 

I have been having many burning moments



Longing for you so deeply in my heart



I will always love and cherish you.... Mama Hana

For a while I never thought  I will

 be able to survive without you but your spirit

Brightened my path and my soul

You are always there  for me in my time of need

Your always there to calm my fears you are my.... Mama Hana

My surporter in the  havens you can never be forgotten

Your memory and spirit are my legascy



We where intertwined in our spirits  souls  and hearts

For eternity in this life and others.........

Apr 4 2010

YB







My life with my sons that hate me



May love, hope, and faith, will win!



Embracing legacy of life’s
Physical pain of let down;
Spiritual pain of my choices,
Emotional pain of neglects;  

The pain of childhood…
The pain of seventeen
The pain of loving the devil, my ex at thirteen

I was neglected, rejected, and shunned
While trying to give my precious life to you, my family

You made me face hate, love, war, anger, toxic, despair and prejudice...
Knowing in your hearts; all of you,
That all I wanted was love, peace, containment, humanity and tolerance in my family..

To my son the human rights lawyer who cares about human rights:
Discrimination of religion is against the law.
Why would it be OK to discriminate against your mother and your children?

Oct 12 2008

YB

Winter of the mind




fiery snow





Winter on my mind!

Summer Breeze long gone

Spring blooms long wilted

Autumn leaves long, long, fallen

Winter flakes down!

Glittering as a magic carpet

Woven with diamonds...

And my minds is wondering

Looking for the path!

The path of serenity

And the cycle of life goes on...

 

Dec 25 2001

YB

Winter is gone

Nothing as beautiful as my  garden blooming

Here in my garden I dream of a glorious spring, a rainless and cloudless sky...

This spring day cares and worries is replaced by faith. Faith can place a light in the darkest of all. All of the concerns are far, far, away gone.

Here in my garden I dream how up above the clouds I fly between earth and sky, revealing in such luxury.

As each moment goes by dreaming of wonders, the wonders you seek are in your heart, spirit and soul...

Have fire in your life; you will warm up the universe around. In deep solitude I am... the hours are few, when one can be so serene, busking in peace

Yolland Bitton, my child may your life be protected and touched by your angel Mom...

Your love is there for the wanting not the refusing. I hope one day my children and grandchildren would want my love. They have it anyway!

 

Apr 15 2001

YB

 

Rosh Hashana dinner for my children




 

No one showed to the dinner

To my beloved children: Élan, Sh, and Baby.

There is a place in between you could have taken. You may have wished to reach out and touch my heart. I invited you to calibrate with me.

 

Rosh Hashanah dinner: I was so happy in my mind and heart it was going to be the best one ever I shopped and prepared a feast for kings. For the whole week I put my heart and soul in that meal.

My emotions were flowing. I wanted everything to be perfect for me and my children... But as I was making myself ready and wanted to look beautiful for my babies, I sat around my beautiful table set for my kings. I waited and waited; no one showed up...

By midnight I knew they broke my heart again. I didn't sleep I was awake in the wee hour of the night. It was so painful. That was the moment that I thought breaking will be easier. They played with my emotions like a yo-yo... I still feel that horrible sinking feeling in my heart today...

It is very difficult to forget that I carried these children in my body...

Sept 2004

YB

My Ginko tree

My ginkgo tree

The garden of my soul,

So many beautiful flowers in my garden bloom from summer to summer, each one in its season.

They bring joy and hope to my life. Every season reminds me of summer past. I can hear the voices of past summers...

My roses, lilies, pansies, daisies, and the bleeding hearts, the violets, and most of all I miss my ginkgo tree, my butterflies and my bees... In my garden around ginkgo they fly...



So I will claim them as mine: my family to be. Each morning as I peek out the window, Mr. Butterfly and Mrs. Bee fly by my old ginkgo tree. As friends, they are my dearest, for so few of my friends and family I see.  In memories of old yesterdays; when we were all so happy and free, hoping for new tomorrows, new beginnings.

Love you,

Mom

 

Feb 10, 2005

YB

The heart of a Jewish mother

 

My bleading heart

My heart filled with faith, hope and love; always faithful to my babies... and hope for their babies. There was no bigger duty for me than making my children happy. I knew they were the most important treasure in my life. They were my greatest power for living, breathing, smiling, and my happiness. They were my reasons for living.

I put all the efforts I had to achieve success with them. They were all of who I was. They were the most beautiful piece of art I had...; the dearest creation in my life.



I thanked God for such a gift... I did school trips with them. I was the chef, the driver, the cleaning lady, and the one who earned the living... and I was happy doing all of it, except the abuse from their father which never stopped. At least several times a month the police will come to my house for the abuse my ex put me through... physical, emotional, verbal name calling.



In the Arab culture it is OK to call your wife a dirty Jew... My life was a nightmare. I was trapped, no help at the time for abused women.

I didn't want to rock the boat for the children. I needed it for them to have both parents. I left him three times. He would not support us. My friends had to do a collection for us to be able to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

The last time he told me, “If you leave me I will make sure you will never see your children.” He is a monster evil one when my daughter was born he told me another whore in the world. That was his opinion about women. I am going to stop writing about the hell he put me through.

However what I am going to say to all the girls and women around: our greatest glory in life is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. I like to believe that I did...  I waited in the darkness for twenty two years and now I can appreciate the miracle of sunrise. Good hearts are ones of the richest gifts of Judaism... My heart is open to you, children of mine. You are for life welcome into my life and my heart... whenever you want!

I love you babies. Your Jewish mother

With love,

Mom........

27 Jul 2008

YB

Splendid creatures my friends





Joys emerges where your friends are there

Stretching, twisting and pacing in anticipation on who is going to call next.  Their phone is always on guard. These dusky Jewels are eager to have a conversation. I call it addiction of a phone call, simply amazed at the speed they pick-up the phone while driving, eating, sleeping, showering, Outside, inside, at the restaurants, theatres, anywhere and everywhere.

These spunky Jewel friends of mine simply go all out for that RING...RING..., feeding their addiction of a conversation... Such a proud full look in their eyes sends a gleam of pride to my direction as if they successfully conquered their quests.

Once lunch has been served, the phone stares at them, taking a snooze. There is a pattern in the afternoons: the phone RINGS... and RINGS.

 

That is the story of my beautiful, worthy Jewels friends, retreating for the night to the comfort of a recliner, watching television between lapses into shallow sleeps, seeking warmth and attention from phone FIX...

 

Their day is in completion; full of interactions...

What a day! The phone is very, very, tired. 

Oct 11, 2011

YB

A wish of my inner child

Wish there was no death between us...

For ever in my heart.
Mom

For i would have loved to spend more time with you. Even though we are apart,I send my love and share my thoughts with you. I am so proud to have you as my mother.

As I remember your beauty and love for me from a faraway childhood days, I recall the warm memories we have shared, the love and need I always had for you in my life.

I was left with an empty space in my heart. Mother, thank you for the time we  had  been together. Thank you for being my mother, and my teacher, my guiding light.... I will  always need you but I know that you are in my heart.


I wish you could have advised me what I should do regarding my children. I love them so much I have been
living with a part of me missing. Their father's brainwash: They want nothing to do with me or anything Jewish.
    
That is my punishment for leaving him. He made hate me and anything Jewish I have been waiting for them to reach for me for 25 years. It is not happening;  they are forbidding me from having anything with my grandchildren.

I remember coming to you in my dreams with tears, about my life's unfair situation and disappointments.

You always listened........

7 September 2006

YB

    

The child within



A heart of Gold

The only thing that really matters is your true purpose. They put their own framework around your deeds and make incorrect interpretations based upon their limited knowledge or experience.

You are the only one who knows that this situation began in sweetness and innocence. It was instigated by love. Perhaps one day they will see your Truth; perhaps not.

 
For now, Little One, you must let go of the pain. You know within your heart and mind the right meaning. Use this knowledge to let go of unfounded blame and negative feelings. Walk tall, smile, take a deep breath... You may want to make another attempt to show love and respect and clarify your position.
 

But remember children who need reasons why would their mother love them even if they don't want her love; they are not in the right frame of mind to understand or accept your love. You can't be responsible for how they choose to react to your love.

I want you to know that I know your truth; I live in your heart and mind. I know that your initiations are good and noble. You have a pure heart and a good soul. Don't ever forget the truth about the child within you: She is you and we love her...... we will laugh and love again......

 

Feb 8 2012

YB

9/11 Memory

To the memory of all the fallen in 9/11

America, the world is in awe with you.

You inspired the whole human race.

You light our paths with your kindred spirit.

You warm our hearts with your compassion.

You gave all of us a lesson in strength, courage, dignity, and integrity.

America, you weakened your enemies with noble grace.

I love you, America, for everything you stand for.

Nothing makes the Earth seem so spacious as having America leading our Earth.

No one in the history of the world has ever done as much as America.

For the human race... God bless AMERICA...

From a Canadian friend...

In memory of 9/11 victims

18 September 2001

YB